A breakdown of my thinking for tomorrow's elections:

Tories: toxic for those who are victims of recession, bad luck, bad health or bad treatment. If you've got a safe job you might pay a bit less tax - otherwise, you'll find everything gets more expensive as an old Etonian plays make-believe economics and tries to socially engineer a world he simply is not acquainted with. Was once stuck behind Cameron in the queue at Boots - he's not a confident or commanding chap, though I don't doubt he's nice enough; overly self-aware, uncomfortable in his own skin, louder than he thinks he is. I sympathise, but I'm not impressed.

Labour: took us into Iraq, a war that has a cost countless innocent lives (a hundred thousand? a million? I hear different figures), because a failed Texan oil man wanted to retire comfortably. I'll never forgive that raft of lies and scaremongering. In addition, their leader was the chancellor who presided over our worst financial meltdown in seventy years. No-one understands the tax code, no-one understands the benefit system, no-one believes a word they say. Tired government with no will left to reform, thus they are the safest vote.

LibDem: OK, maybe they have chance now, but when they wrote their manifesto, when they formed their vision of what a LibDem UK would look like, they didn't seriously believe they'd be implementing it. I predict that chaos will reign as one ill-conceived, costly program after another falls DOA into the exchequer's expanding deficit. The party of Lembit "I'm with a cheeky girl" Opik, Charles "One for the road" Kennedy and Nick "Comfortably Dull" Clegg.

Greens: Single issue, fuck the mainstream, protest vote. At least I live in Brighton Pavilion, so it will count - unlike everywhere else.